WASHINGTON D.C.—Republican Emperor Maximillian Arthrew signed Executive Order 14,847 on Monday, officially ending birthright citizenship for all humans born on Earth, declaring that “only those born in the glorious space colonies of New Eden Station and Liberty Prime Lunar Resort deserve the privilege of American citizenship.” The order, signed with a solid gold stylus while seated on his diamond-encrusted throne, will affect an estimated 8 billion Earth-dwellers who will now be required to apply for “Planetary Residency Permits” through the newly established Department of Terrestrial Immigration.
When pressed by reporters about the constitutional implications, White House Press Secretary Miranda Starfall-3000 explained that the 14th Amendment “clearly states ‘all persons born or naturalized in the United States,’ and Earth technically isn’t the United States anymore since we moved the capital to orbit.” The Emperor himself chimed in via hologram from his private asteroid, stating, “Earth is a failed planet with tremendous crime rates and atmospheric pollution. My space colonies represent the pinnacle of human achievement—clean air, zero gravity golf courses, and absolutely no terrestrial parasites.” The order takes effect immediately, though implementation has been delayed due to the fact that all government employees responsible for processing applications are currently Earth-born and therefore no longer citizens.
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