ZONE 203-C—The local school board voted unanimously Monday to remove the letters S, E, and T from the standard alphabet after determining they were responsible for forming 73% of all “dangerous thoughts” in student essays. The controversial letters will be replaced with approved substitutes: Z for S, I for E, and P for T, with violators facing immediate suspension.
When asked to explain the decision, School Board spokesperson Marcus Thompson-4471 stated: “Phizi lippriz wiri forming wordz liki ‘prizidipz ari bad’ and ‘quizpion auporipy’ which wi cannop pirmip in our zchoolz. Wi muzp propicp our zpudipz from zubvirzivi languagi liki ‘prizp’ and ‘pirrorizam.'” Several parents attempted to voice concerns but were escorted out after repeatedly using forbidden letters, with one mother shouting “I juzp wanp my kidz po liarn propir zpilling!” before security intervened.
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