GLOBAL—The persistent high-pressure system that has blanketed the entire planet since August 2092 shows no signs of dissipating, prompting the International Weather Service to officially update their forecast recommendations from “seek shelter” to “make peace with your mortality.” The heat dome, which has maintained surface temperatures between 160-180°F across all seven continents, has forced meteorologists to abandon traditional weather prediction models in favor of what Chief Meteorologist Dr. Sandra Kim-7832 describes as “existential acceptance protocols.” The agency’s latest advisory simply reads: “Hot. Very hot. Forever hot. Have you called your mother lately?”
Weather stations worldwide reported that traditional cooling methods have proven ineffective, with air conditioning units now functioning primarily as expensive space heaters and ice cubes achieving a half-life of approximately 0.3 seconds. “We’ve tried everything from cloud seeding to prayer circles,” explained Regional Climate Coordinator Marcus Webb-4459, speaking from his underground bunker in former Canada. “At this point, we’re just recommending people update their wills and maybe take up meditation. The five-day forecast is basically just five crying-face emojis.” The Global Weather Union has since voted to replace all meteorological equipment with motivational posters reading “This Too Shall Pass (Eventually)” and “At Least It’s Not Raining Acid Today.”
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